The First Scream After the Silence

This post took me years to write and while it may be nothing revolutionarily spectacular to read, it was all of that and more to write. The last post I made on this site was over eight years ago. Two years later, in 2012, I walked away from it all. It seems like only yesterday. Since then I have walked even further away. I divorced, walked away from academia and focused on healing. Life is complicated. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. So much has changed. How cliche. I have agonized over what to write, what to put down for longer than I want to admit. It is a painful moment to realize you are screaming in silence. That your voice is gone with so much left to say. I spent a lot of time in the back of my head hoping one day, I would be able to write again, that I would finally find my voice, but I wasn’t sure that I ever could or even how. I was focused on my longing for the me in the past who had a passionate voice that was all over the place with ideas.

It’s been a long journey, but I’ve come to realize there was no reason to continue mourning over what I thought I had lost or walked away from. It has always been right here waiting for me. I just (while this word implies it was as simple as taking a coat off, I assure you it was not, as those of you who have had to deal with any of the following are well aware) had to let go of the mental constraints, the fears, the insecurities, the self-manifested pressures and expectations. All I had to do was start typing. I am free and can say whatever I want. The realization came tonight and it made me finally pull the trigger. To no longer worry about saying what I think you want to hear, but what I want to say. I’m not the same person I was eight years ago. I have spent too much time wanting to be her without appreciating the person I’ve grown to be.

Good experiences and bad have changed my perspective, they’ve changed my filter. My lens has been widened, my chains unshackled (my goodness I’m full of the cliches with this spreading of my wings). In hindsight, I needed the time, not that I couldn’t nor wish I should have continued, but I treasure the perspective the journey has given me. I hope my writing going forward is colored in new ways I might not ever have been able to explore before. I’ve always written about my perspectives on technology, those are still there, they will be coming along with other topics. There are new things to include in my writings, the world has changed. But today was about me and getting this damn monkey off my back (yup, I got in another one) so that I can finally move on.


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